Nu Blu

by James Shahan

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1.
07:29
2.
03:35
3.
02:45
4.
05:00
5.
02:36
6.
02:47
7.
8.
02:58
9.
03:36
10.
04:25
11.
05:23

credits

released December 4, 2015

Recorded by Calvin Fox
Written+Performed by James Shahan
Mixed + Mastered by Calvin Fox

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James Shahan Las Vegas, Nevada

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Track Name: Chiaroscuro
I thought that this was different
I thought the history of us would never meet suspicion
Showing my humanity, I thought that you would leave him
I thought that just because you loved him didn't mean you need him but
You love him
He's good to you and obedient
Plus, he's there with you in person
They tell me that's a key ingredient

[chorus]
But you love me too, I know you do, You talk about it
How am I supposed to sleep or even dream about it?
Now you're telling me I shouldn't even think about it
So it goes
But you love me too, I know you do, You talk about it
Any time I think of you, it seems my mind is clouded
How are you supposed to sleep or even dream about it?
Now you know

[Verse2]
I thought that this was special
I thought your love was water and my heart could be the vessel
I thought that we
I thought that we would sail
I thought something so beautiful could never ever fail but
God had other plans
So I try to understand
But it's hard for me

[chorus]
But you love me too, I know you do, You talk about it
How am I supposed to sleep or even dream about it?
Now you're telling me I shouldn't even think about it
So it goes
But you love me too, I know you do, You talk about it
Any time I think of you, it seems my mind is clouded
How are you supposed to sleep or even dream about it?
Now you know

---------------------------------------------------------------
[Verse 3]
When did my priorities go to shit?
Like beating out my competition was the top of my list?
See, that's my problem, I see everything as a competition
If you fighting, you ain't necessarily winning
As she reach for my pendant, I'm reminiscing on life's adventures
Thinking of all the things that I should've done different
What is it? Cause "no regrets" is the motto
I just haven't adopted it yet if I still feel the need for repentance
Bless

[Chorus]
On the quest for the cheese and the dough
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the reason to blow
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the cheese and the dough
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the reason to blow
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?

[Verse 4]
I was with my Mom on her birthday
And called my Dad on his birthday
And I ain't get them nothing
I ask and they never tell me
I feel like I never knew them
Bought'em some cards and then I got busy
I forgot
It's 10 days later, I never sent'em
What is my problem? Where is the appreciation?
They been through way more than I was facing
Each day is a blur
Like it ain't no biggie we all survived together
another 360 on this planet Earth?
What am I worth?


[Chorus]
On the quest for the cheese and the dough
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the reason to blow
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the cheese and the dough
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?
On the quest for the reason to blow
You gon' ask yourself where did time go
Do you know? Do you know?

------------------------------------------------------------
[Verse 5]
Laying down with whatever woman I'm with at the time
Wishing that she were you inside the back of my mind
Trying hard to extinguish you, but your grip won't relinquish
On my knees wondering why you won't succumb to the fiendish
I mean, I thought that you felt it, I thought I wasn't alone
Telling me that we can't talk
Almost shattered my phone
Telling me that we gotta, cause it's too painful to bear
One week later you text me because you wish I was there
Waking up in an empty bed, smelling your fragrance
The next time that you have a dream and I'm in it, just save it
I don't want you to write me
It'll mess with my psyche
Like when you say "I love so-and-so but wish James was inside me"
How we make it to this point?
How's it crazy as this?
How it feel like a ferris wheel and we ain't even kiss?
How it feel like we drankin' the blood of Beelzebub
like I'm the darkest of forces because I tell you I love you
How come love has to be as flagrant as demons souffle'ing
My skeleton as an offering to the one asmodeus
what did I do to anger the Holy King and his angels
As a different incarnation? Raphael, come save us

[Chorus x2]
Just because it's real doesn't mean it's gon' work
Wish I could reveal just how much it all hurt
And I can understand that
Stand that
But you know I can't stand that
Stand that

[Verse 6]
A few days ago you couldn't say you love me but you can tonight?
Say you wanna hear my voice like you ain't got a man tonight?
Sending me, tiny messages because you feel like you can get away with it, you're sorry 'cause it isn't fair to me?
Huh
I don't know what to say
I feel like you made your decision, I'm just in the way
I feel like an animal, waiting in line to be fed
Only thing that I'm gonna eat is an axe to the head
Dance around, kill the pig, spill its blood
yes
Grab the conch shell, looking who's talking now
Yes
You're the ocean and I want you to drown me
But I know you won't, so, just forget about me
Yeah
I hope he treats you good
I hope he makes you happy, just like I wish that I could
I hope he's what you're looking for because I wasn't it
And I hope that you wonder what could have been when you
fucking him
Track Name: Red in Blue
I'm the most down to boast
You ain't know?
Why you think I'm riding down the coast, slaying foes
All these rappers sounding comatose
I turn'em into stew
If my style need some salt n pepa
why she down to shoop?
All my life I've been mad at a, mad Adam
for creating mad atoms
After being bitten by a snake
It's shit I can't fathom
Haphazard asthmatic
rapping 'cause he back at his craft
stretching past average like he Mr. Fantastic
at classes, teaching resurrection like he Lazarus
Paladin, dabbling in tomes full of black magic
poems full of crack
Got a bite like a Rattata
Super fang
working on a 1000 bat average
Mr. Wayne's bat cavern
hidden in the Atlantic
Fuck a mic, I spit into the crystal want of Atlantis
Outstanding total brawn
attacking halcyons 'cause I'm hungry
outworld'll bow to me, I'm Kotal Khan
fur is blue
Triple 6's too
Markings of the beast
Suburbian sounding like the streets
It's c'est manifique
ordering the ribeye because what you serving isn't beef
praying for my reign to cease? You should have prayed it facing east
She a freak, me a freak
we a pair: peas and carrots
Gorgonzola, roasted pear
Bird seed with a parrot
Costello with an Abbot
Cereal, silly rabbit
Jasmine, and aladdin
Al green, instant grits
Shahan, instant hits
Old 'Ye, polos
New 'Ye, outbursts
Yo ass, outskirts
You a cheat. When I out the "ch" then I'm gonna "eat"
all the food that's on your plate and now you know why "ou-ch' hurts
crowd surf, on a surfboardt made of newports
Danny devito saying "BITCH"
Mr. Too Short
Y'all ain't cutting dope
Only thing you cutting is a rug
except today 'cause they ones I pulled the rug up under from
And I don't care if it
Really tied the room together
You the dude? Cool
Go'n take a bath with my ferret
We don't believe in nothing
Ivan Ooze, aubergine
Harbor me
James the maniac is back and sharpening
Axes, like the thing the globe spins on
Practice what we talking then I been done
Legend in the making, bitch I been one
Give her liquid pearls and then she pay me, you could say she got me
out here working for a double in come
This that shit that Rae was smoking on the island of Shaolin
When his eyes bled
Need to be reminded, I swear
Say that Pimp was your biggest inspiration
But when someone went into your basement, they said that you
was making purp
Red and blue, you mix that shit together- purp
And DJ Screw is turning in his grave with every slurp
But still, you be tryna sip the purp
You ain't worthy, 'cause it's royal color
Track Name: Robin's Egg
Not a perfect man, that ain't no surprise
Older I get, realize neither am I
I guess the fruit really doesn't fall far
I guess we supposed to be wherever we are
5 years passed where we didn't speak
7 page letter, that was all me
I was tired of being afraid
Still, I'm sorry I threw the past into your face
Life as a man, couldn't understand
You was hurt, raising your voice instead of a hand
Using your son to lie to your girlfriend
'cause you never learned how to be loved
A whirlwind is what it must've felt like
Waiting for the right hand
Waiting for some kind of break
But you was never dealt right
Pushing me away to maintain the poker face
Way to maintain with both Jokers laying on your plate
Custody battle, feeling like you betrayed
They always fuck the man over anyway
Tryna cope with a childhood gone wrong
So of course...who else you gonna take it out on?
God is merciful for us to have a chance again
I guess that it was just time
And yeah, I don't agree with all your choices but
Lord knows, I also don't agree with all of mine

[Verse2]

always thought of reconnecting at an earlier time
But whenever the thought approached, fear would bubble inside
Plus
I'd gotten so accustomed to the mindset
Finding false power in the anger I confide in
Slowly I began to erode
Guilt became a worm digging in my temporal lobe
And I started to picture type of hypothetical shit, like
"Would I keep up the grudge if they had told me you passed?"
They say you gotta learn to live with regret
But I knew I couldn't forgive myself if that's how it went
And all that time apart gave me perspective
When I could see you as a person instead of my father,
I could picture us bonding
As two men, fundamentally flawed
'cause we enter the world clean
And leave it with scars, and well...
Had to separate to come back
Left to figure out what it take for me to be a man and run that
My generation fought a battle that's uphill
Felt like Sisyphus when they call us a "Sissy"...shit
world would say to shed a tear was always on some sissy shit
Rather see us take a life and get a tattoo
Forcing us to be a man
Try to force us to evolve
Make the value of a boy conditional, we lose'em all
Reaching for your son in that condition then you bound to fall
Limit what a "man" can mean, it's no wonder we fall apart

------------------------------------------
Track Name: Cerulean
I just wanna know what's wrong with me and after that, I'll leave
Subway brake, it soundin like a pterodactyl when it screech
When there's people laughin, I'm the loudest one, usually
But the other night was...you gotta believe it wasn't me
Can't believe you putting me back on the street
I'm not upset
if there's anyone that got yelled at or hurt, then I regret
I was in my own dimension in the kitchen, on the couch
I fell in a burning ring of fire in a glass house
It was like my thoughts were zooming
I could not control my mind
E-e-e-e-e-energy was swimming up my spine
I'm saying maybe this ain't happening. Tomorrow, I'll be good
But tomorrow is today and the decision has been made
I understand I gotta leave, I mean you ain't gotta explain
I'll get all my things together and get right back on the train
And I know that I don't know the man who offered it to me
But you know him and I trust you, so how deadly could it be
right?

[Chorus]
You might say that
I'm not broken
But it's so easy to forget
When I'm running through life
Feeling like you'll never find me
And I might know that
I'm not broken
But it's so easy to forget
So forgive me when I call on you to remind me

[Verse 2]

I just wanna look and act like you
Do the things you do
You know best
Argue with you but inside I know it's true
You just like to test me everyday and in every way
But I love you
You's a renegade, so I'm not afraid
If I bow to you, then maybe that would change a couple things
Maybe I'd be more than just another pink orangutan
Looking for a split
Grab a branch, I'm looking for a hit
I dap my mans and think 'cause I'm the only one that seem to trip
What a trip this is
Violent thoughts
What a fist this is
Ridicule will put you on MTV's "Ridiculousness"
Don't want to be down here anymore
Where my brain is at?
If I pray then maybe I wouldn't be such a maniac
Every relationship that I have, inevitably
is a reminder for me, that I'm not a good human being
I don't mean I'm not a good person
I mean I'm not good at being a person
'cause I'm not a person
Now watch it worsen

[Chorus]
You might say that
I'm not broken
But it's so easy to forget
When I'm running through life
Feeling like you'll never find me
And I might know that
I'm not broken
But it's so easy to forget
So forgive me when I call on you to remind me

[Verse 3]

I know you're with me, I can see the way you're guiding me
Got me looking out for numbers like the lottery
Throwing me signs out the blue like a deaf crip who can't speak
It could be anybody but alas, you chose me
Why am I here?
Did you call for me or did I volunteer?
Where's the halfway? I'm just tryna meet you there
Too often I feel like I need to be forgiven
The hardest thing A man can do is embracing what's in him
But still, I bow my head and say thanks
For every time an angel moved me out of harm's way
Every time I get to feed myself, quench my thirst
And every fuccboi thinking they outshine my verse
I carry the Thoth and anything required for prayer
a way to connect, to something more compelling than air
I'm not a creator so much as a translator
And I feel favored
Yeah
I feel favored
Track Name: Aquamarine
They never thought that I'd make it past that first page
First word, that first thought on that first tape
That first time that I spoke into that first mic
On that first stage
In that first show
Now my shit is so * it go up nose, in both holes
Tengo dope
My word coke
Whiter than a Becky's thighs
Always stay inside, only exit when the moon is high
Game will always be a shame if suit and ties scrutinize
They screw your mind
Synonym for rapper is the truest lie
Who am I? Well that's James Shah-
Same one on that Waif Tape
You don't love me, then go'n' hate
But don't hot and cold me like Bengay
Still spit what y'all keep hidden
Y'all left but I stuck 'round
Turn y'all into buckshot with my buckshot 'cauze they duck down
me and Priceless go way back
Like top 8's and a/s/l
First one to say "Fuck Swag"
All the rest of y'all late as hell
Everyone got their own story
Your's and mine ain't the same to tell
Both determined to do something but I determined not to fail

[Chorus]
Well can't you see that I'm tired of holding myself back
And I'm tired of living life like that?
If there's something we want then damnit
I guess it's time that we get that

[Verse 2]

I never thought that I'd make it past that first album
Came to Vegas, ain't seen stages in 10 months and I highly doubted
I would ever touch one again
I would ever pick up the pen
Didn't write for 3 months, I'm telling myself that I had a good run
Called friends like, "It's been fun, but I been done. It ain't gonna work"
Inner demons got me like, "Wow. I can't believe there's so much hurt"
Waking up and not wanting to
Everything that I had collapsed
But I got help
And I got health
And I came back to reclaim that
Gift of, making scripture, with a clarity clear as a picture
Taking everything inside and providing a way
to identify with the listener
Now people know me as that real motherfucker who isn't giving up
Putting more meaning inside of a drop of water
then they do in a sippy cup
You good?
Alright. I think I'm gon' relax
Maybe draw a bath
Put on some Skinemax
I'm only living proof of the fact I can stay alive
And only tell you 'cause I know we not so different
You and I
Track Name: Indigo
Still spittin like I don't know how
Still living and i don't know how
Still sippin
Tryna figure if this last round of liquor gonna be enough to drown my
thoughts. They swimmin'
Never felt like I belonged here
Feeling way too old for the club, my confession
She looking for stuffing tonight
But she don't want my dressing 'cause how I be dressing
I thought that I came with friends
but they stay pretend
I just came with people
Perhaps if I pushed a benz
Or I was stacking endz, then I'd be more equal
To them, is my train of thought
Looking happy from shit they bought
Looking like they was made for this
And I'm feeling like I was betrayed for this
I just don't fit in

[Chorus]
Starchild
Indigo
Being me is all I know

[Verse 2]

Spend all my money to get in the door
It's like they don't even check ID no more
I thought that y'all motherfuckers had a bouncer
But none of these people be dressing the code
Don't even mention addressing the code
Mean, I guess this really isn't a club
I just feel like the whole planet is here
And most of these people do not give a fuck
Ok
I guess I just won't give one either
Poison my body as long as I'm breathing
None of'em care about anything else
Ballers ain't looking for knowledge of self
Me, I'm just rapping like I don't know how
Playing the game like I don't know the score
I'm tryna see with this last round of liquor
Wait-
Why do I feel like I've done this before?
Track Name: Pale Sapphire
Now who poisoned the well?
Who convinced me I couldn't be happy all by myself?
I quit rapping a long time ago
This is what it sound like to chase a high you can't find at the corner store
Bought some timberland boots just for a little boost
But once I got'em home, they was just a pair of shoes
Where is the parachute?
Feels like I'm falling fast. Fuck a screw
Life has me feeling like the whole frame is loose
Been a day or two if what they say is true
Every time I make a purchase, I should feel incredible
Every time the pussy nonstop, it's amazing
Even if we not connected and I can't feel a thing, ya see
I got the women and the living and the name brand
And every possession they say is in the game plan
But this emptiness in me give me the feeling
That it's Christmas morning and Santa died inside of the chimney
What's up?

[Chorus]
They say happiness is a mindset
I don't mind threats if I keep my conscience, yeah
and all these things they tell us to buy
Ain't buying us any time, we living a lie
They say happiness is a mindset
I don't mind threats if I keep my conscience, yeah
And all these things they tell us to do
Ain't doing us any good
You know that it's true

[Verse 2]

All my friends starting families or got significant others
All I got is this notebook and a box full of rubbers
And a brain full of memories I shouldn't describe
I shoulda wiped from my mind if I'd have had half of mine
But I just had 'bout a quarter
No this shit isn't water
Think about what I sacrificed, even though i don't wanna
Think about what I've given, to be in this position
Trading love and companionship for a couple of listens
I mean my bed is still empty
And my head is still full
Put the pursuit of perfection up on a pedesta-d-dal
What if I never acquire, making music for hire?
Even worse, if I get it, what if fulfillment expire?
See the boogeyman creepin
Deep inside of my being
Putting worms in his stomach, but never stretching the seams
What if everything that I've ever wanted and dreamed is
not enough to make me happy?
Track Name: Azurite
God forbid something happens and I get shot
I hope and pray it's in USA and the trigger man is a cop
I think if that's how the shit went down, I'd end up saving a lot
Of time and money, not having to ask if I'm gonna make it or not
'Cause I know they train well and they don't miss
Known to empty that whole clip
They don't even get not time, like they was living before Christ
Anybody else notice how these days been dividing us?
Human don't value human life
I thought God was inside of us
Eric Garner, Mike Brown, Trayvon, Troy Davis
RIP
Still can't believe people say this nation no longer racist
And believe I'm still hesitant to even open this can of worms
When I can get away with white privilege
My mother never gonna get her turn
Curly hair, never gave it perm
Got a little color from my mother's side
Introduce her to a group of friends and then they ask me
if she really mine
When we was living in Tampa
I think I was around the age of 3
People looked at her like they wanted to hang her from the nearest tree

[chorus x 2]
But we free, but we free
They keep telling us that we're free
When we get on that computer or we watching tv
Yeah we free, yeah we free
They keep telling us that we free
Free to live until they kill us and that's all we'll every be

[Verse 2]

God forbid something happens and I catch a couple bullets
I hope the person shooting me is a maniac when he pull it
You know? I mean the type who probably gonna shoot his ex
then go out and kill a couple of the boys in blue even though
they both innocent men
Like, I mean someone who is claiming he is out for revenge
and because of it, hurting us all
When really he just a criminal who's sick in the head
Don't give a shit about the law
don't represent any cause
Telling himself that he's noble and willing to die
When all he doing is propagating death and suffering
Making a family cry.
Rest in peace to the officers saturday night
Rest in peace to the kids in the halls of Peshawar
Why it seem we living in the darkest of times?
How a person kill another person and write it off?
What is it gonna take for the world to change?
What is it gonna take for us to be free?
What is it gonna take for the world to change?
How do we keep our history from being the same?
Track Name: Cyan
How come I never wanted to be a lawyer?
Firefighter or doctor, you know, something important?
All the things that we seem to praise are distorted
We need a cop who won't treat a black life like it is nothing
Why ain't I tryna make a difference?
or dreamt of being in the academy instead of spittin
All the industry breeding is narcissism and music
just seeing so unimportant in the world that we live in
Like I think what I have to say is important enough to put out a record
Like it deserve the effort
Selfish Bastard is fitting 'cause selfishness is what's in me
at least that's how I be feeling when verses slanging and dealing.
Then I have peole say that my gift is heavensent
How are you supposed to benefit from my rhetoric?
All I know is that nothing I know is definite
I just wish I was chosen for something better than this

[verse 2]

Baby, lemme speak something to ya
'Cause I ain't tryna own you or try to rule you
But I don't want the shy demeanor to foll you
Probably speak on some things that you may not even be used to
I guess it's time to clear something up
Yeah your body is bangin' but bae that ain't enough
Everything that you saying just isn't true
I'm seeing all of the programs you run and they not you
Where did you go? Where did you go?
You don't need me to save you, I just wanna let you know
And you're not alone, sugar, because I do it too
If we don't let it stop us, then we'll be unstoppable.
See, most of our lives are spent
Talking to somebody's conditioning but not them
And I, been on earth too long to pretend any longer that our fears
are our best friends, so you can cry

[Verse 3]

Damnit, I know I'm not supposed to cry
but all these verses you got me spitting making me teary eyed
You got me really touched, 'cause of how funny it was
Mentioning everything you was doing that you never done
Why you fronting and saying that you packing extra clips?
My boy google looked you up and said you don't exist
And all the trojans you ripping with plenty hoes
but dedicating the songs to your Mrs. at every show?
What hurts the most is saying you the best rapper alive
which is ridiculous because you know I haven't died
But I'm a put you on television with Maury and have the lie detector
test determine that that was a lie
Making wifey cry after testing paternity
Thinking you was the father of your style and then learning it's me
The only thing you can do to keep from crying is mean mugging,
so now you call me a "hater" like it mean something
Track Name: Lapis Lazuli
Consider this the lost book of Ptolemny
Tryna keep the lamp lit for lost souls to follow me
Self Archaeology
Milk carton Spartan wearin silk cloth, and honestly
I'd probably feel more at ease if God put me on a leash
Ugh
Saturday. Contemplate the human fate
Race of Apes, floating on a giant marble lost in space
Guess that Will Robinson be everybody name
Live in danger or choose to endanger everything
Thank God I got to wake up in a bed today
Catching Z's on the Z line is what I hate
Could it be that I'm bee-lining for the grave
Could I be brought to the mecca just to fade away?
Yo
Say it isn't so
And I ain't dark enough to people to say that I flow
But I've been known to take the square hole of my life
With a round peg, tryna make it go
'Cause I'm just a human

[verse 2]

I'm literally tryna jump the gun
Get the number 5 spot on your top 5 list and die
so I could jump to 1
Says a lot about the value of an artist's life
I'm alright, but I'll be the greatest if I die tonight
Have an obsession with music that is truly stupid
If you suffer from success, we should do a transfusion
Give me just enough of your blood for my life to change
And in exchange, you'll have enough of mine to sleep inside the train.
Rappin half your life, the world is actin' like, you haven't done a thing
You'll wake up in the hospital afraid
Sell your chain
Start to have flashbacks of what I was doing yesterday:
The game of "How long can a bag of peanuts give me sustenance?"
And since you're now inside of me - pause in ALL CAPS
I'm getting scared 'cause I'm hearing flaws in all raps
All my real shit too fuzzy to call back
Make me feel we shouldn't have gone with all that
But fuck it, I'm feeling tears from exhaustion alone
The cause of which is one that I don't mention on the phone
'Cause if I did then you would simply call me crazy
And I'd believe you 'cause I make it easy
My mom is telling me just to let it go...
I've tried for such a long time
I'm feeling like this ain't a choice
This voice you hearing's not mine
It's from somewhere else
And by the time you're done listening to this, I probably put it back
on the shelf

HUMAN
Track Name: Blue World
I got a passion to be the best and it stays on the rise
I don't know why I'm so obsessed but it stays on my mind
All my friends showing interest, telling me to record
And I don't even object because when I spit they want more.
Cut a demo then cut a mixtape and paid for my prom
Plus I went from a laughing stock to the popular guy
I've been bitten by something
An itch effecting my sleep
I had a dream that me, DOOM, and Madlib was stuck in a jeep
I tried to go to Art Institute but then dropped out for music
Because my gut wouldn't leave me alone until I would do it
Went to school for recording but couldn't find no employment
Had a friend call me a "Machine" and that's how that shit started
So I came with a disc with a moniker that's legit
I sent it out to some labels but didn't catch any fish
Crying on my knees every night 'cuz I needed to make it
Otherwise, what's the point of this voice creating these statements
You nah mean?

[Chorus]
Ugh
Say what's the true world, huh?
When everybody seem to have they own opinions on your best interests
Talking about your life when they haven't lived it
Fuck'em, we listen to ourselves
That's just how we living in the blue world
Say what's the blue world?
When everybody seem to have they own opinions on your best interests
Talking about your life when they haven't lived it
Fuck'em, we listen to ourselves
That's just how...

[Verse 2]
Dear cousin,

I hope that you're doing well. Say hi to everybody I couldn't reach myself.
Hope I can some soon. I know it's been a minute
Since I was in LA and was able to pay a visit.
How's your Mom doing? How's Juan doing? and How's Turner?
The summer here in Vegas is like we live on a burner, but hey...
I mean, somehow we make it through.
I know you must be happy to have a break from school
Anyway- I've been thinking about you a lot.
When you said you wanted to do what I was doing, I was shocked.
A part of me is ecstatic, I mean elated!
And then another part of me doesn't know how to take it.
Want you to know that I'll support any endeavor that you take on
But understand, I had to write you this letter.
Cause the reality of this life, they never show you
And I been through some things that I never want you to go through.

There's a lot that you don't know...
Like when they don't want to pay you for a 90 minute show.
Like the minute you decide to be behind the pen and your
relationship with the thing that you love will never be the same again.
See, now you dreaming bout a tour.
Put your life into a song everybody will ignore
Waking up, go through your day, think about one thing
And then being haunted by it in your dreams.
People make you promises they don't intend to keep
Magic eye motherfuckers smile when you close but then big surprise
Put a little distance in between,
The smile disappears and they wanna slit your throat.
If I was was smart, I would've got a bachelor's degree
But I been living like success is something guaranteed
Potentially, this shit could break your spirit more than once
People talk to creative people like a fuckin dunce

"We know you starting out, but why should we support?
It's not like anybody pay for music anymore.
Why don't you get a manager? You don't need a manager.
They'll find you. Hey! Why aren't you pro-active?
You sold 100 albums! You don't need any money!
You need to loosen up on stage. Be funny.
You need more swag.
You need more hooks.
Why do you make your voice sound black? For the looks?
You sound like Brother Ali meets Slug, meets Eminem,
meets Macklemore, meets Sage Francis...Aesop Rock...
I'm not posting your music, so just get up off the cock!
You're not a real rapper. You don't cup the mic.
This shit is spoken word because he was never dressing right.
I never would have thought that voice came from you!
You're not bad. It'll take another year or two."

Remember when I moved to New York and you were proud?
You said it looked like I was doing real good.
You need to know something that I never said...

I was on the streets, on and off, for 2 weeks.
Overall homeless for like three months.
In the train station getting woken up by the police.
But that's another story for another month.
People told me if I just stayed positive, and I used "The Secret,"
I could have anything I want.
But it's easy to be told that bullshit when rich, white men
is who it's coming from.
If left unchecked, this dream of profession could turn into full blown
obsession.
And I just want to say that you can do it, but if I haven't done it yet
either, what's the reference?
Believe me
I know what it's like to have a dream!
I know how dope shit looks on tv!
I used to have so many heroes in the game
Now I know that they just as fucked up as me.
I used to look up to'em, now I look down
I tried to stay in New York so you would be inspired
Am I in too shallow or too deep?
'cause I don't know if I still want it sometimes.
I'm tired.

And I ain't tryna tell you now to go for it
This is your life. Only you know what's right.
But ain't nobody else gonna tell you a pat on the back
Ain't always worth its weight in strife

I promise: I'm gonna do all I can to help
I just
Can't tell you if dreams come true...

And that's my hard truth
So I'm leaving this Blue World the minute I leave the booth.

Love,

James